


Curse of Jean

by Tsunderepotato



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, bootyman
Genre: I Don't Even Know, jean is there for like 3 seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:04:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8819845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsunderepotato/pseuds/Tsunderepotato
Summary: It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Bootyman, woke up in a bush. It was the fourth time it had happened.





	

It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Bootyman, woke up in a bush. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely exasperated, Bootyman backhanded a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved chicken was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Nugget. Bootyman had known Nugget for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Nugget was unique. She was easygoing though sometimes a little... selfish. Bootyman called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Nugget picked up to a very unhappy Bootyman. Nugget calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras sneeze before mating, yet venomous koalas usually charismatically grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bootyman. Why was Nugget trying to distract Bootyman? Because she had snuck out from Bootyman's with the chicken only two days prior. It was a eccentric little chicken... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Bootyman got back to the subject at hand: his chicken. Nugget cringed. Relunctantly, Nugget invited him over, assuring him they'd find the chicken. Bootyman grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Nugget realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the chicken and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Bootyman took the rice rocket, she had take at least six minutes before Bootyman would get there. But if he took the horse ? Then Nugget would be alarmingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Nugget was interrupted by seven clueless Jean the Horses that were lured by her chicken. Nugget yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she thoughtfully reached for her potato and recklessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the horse rolling up. It was Bootyman.

\----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Bootyman was out of the horse and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Nugget's front door. Meanwhile inside, Nugget was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the chicken into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her refrigerator. Nugget was concerned but at least the chicken was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Nugget scandalously purred. With a skillful push, Bootyman opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive flaming idiot in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Nugget assured him. Bootyman took a seat conveniently far from where Nugget had hidden the chicken. Nugget shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bootyman was distracted. Just as zero people expected Nugget noticed a clueless look on Bootyman's face. Bootyman slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Nugget felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when Bootyman asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the chicken right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Bootyman's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bootyman nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Nugget could react, Bootyman skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The chicken was plainly in view.

Bootyman stared at Nugget for what what must've been eleven minutes. Just as zero people expected Nugget groped indiscriminately in Bootyman's direction, clearly desperate. Bootyman grabbed the chicken and bolted for the door. It was locked. Nugget let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bootyman,' she rebuked. Nugget always had been a little abrasive, so Bootyman knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Nugget did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at her or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he gripped his chicken tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Nugget looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bootyman. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Bootyman. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Nugget walked over to the window and looked down. Bootyman was gone.

\----o0o----

Just yonder, Bootyman was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Nugget's place. Bootyman had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Jean the Horses suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the chicken. One by one they latched on to Bootyman. Already weakened from his injury, Bootyman yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Jean the Horses running off with his chicken.

About ten hours later, Bootyman awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Bootyman did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely disease-infested jungle, Bootyman was abundantly lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his chicken was taken by the Jean the Horses. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big Jean the Horse emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha Jean the Horse. Bootyman opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Jean the Horse sunk its teeth into Bootyman's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bootyman's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than ten miles away, Nugget was entombed by anguish over the loss of the chicken. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her double chin. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Bootyman... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the chicken that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Jean the Horses, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after,   
the end.

**Author's Note:**

> the original is here http://sammyatro.deviantart.com/art/BootymanxChickenxNugget-Curse-of-Jean-475832949  
> sam told me i could post it for some quality shitposting


End file.
